Top Ten

In November 2002 I was In my second year at The Salvation Army's seminary in New York. My wife was 4 months pregnant. And I was out of breath... literally. Every time I walked to class I was huffin and puff in. And my chest was tight.

I found a local cardiologist. I was born with a heart problem but that hadn't bothered me in years I had even been cleared to play sports in high school. So I went thinking he would tell me I was out of shape and needed to lose 20 pounds.

Well I was a little out of shape and definitely over weight... But, I also had an aortic aneurysm that was 9 center meters in diameter. It was so was so large that it was pressing against my lung and that was why I was feeling winded. Generally they don't get that large. Usually the aorta just explodes by 7.5 or 8 center meters.

At first I was stunned. How was I supposed to feel, my wife was pregnant we have spent all of our savings to go to seminary. We had a session mate who had recently left seminary because the rigors of the ministry were physically to much.

I began treating this crisis the way I usually respond to stress. I made jokes. When people asked me how I was doing I would answer: "still breathing" and move on. (My wife in particular didn't appreciate this)

During one of these days before my surgery I put together a top ten list ast a joke of the songs I would list to before open heart surgery. I even sent this list to about 80 of my closest friends. Below is the list:


10. Lose Yourself (Eminem)
9. Breath You In (Thousand foot Krutch)
8. See the Flames begin to Crawl (FiF)
7. The Hunted (The Insyderz)
6. Fly Away Home (Papa San)
5. The Impression That I Get (The Mighty Mighty Bostones)
4. With Arms Wide Open (Creed)
3. Alive (POD)
2. Liven it Up When I Die (The Electrics)
1. Every New Day (FIF)

While it started out as a joke I began to listen to the songs I was considering. Every New Day by Five Iron Frenzy contains the lyrics

"Dear Father, I need you. Your strength, my heart to mend. I want to fly higher every new day again" It hit me like a ton of bricks God loves me the Creator of universe had already died for me and I needed to trust in his love.

I didn't trust that he would mend my heart, physically. I didn't even trust that I would ever wake up. I simply trusted my being and my family to his Love where ever that might have taken us.

Sitting in the waiting room I did listen to all 10 songs, then I played "Every New Day" And walked into my surgery comfortable in God's love.